In case you missed it, last week I celebrated day 200 without migraines, and then on day 205 got a migraine. Still a win for sure. I’ll take 205 days between migraines in comparison to two a week any day.
The problem with a migraine returning is, it brought it’s friend anxiety.
Last night I went to work. I am a Recreation Therapist, and I work as a consultant in care homes with adults with developmental disabilities. I love my job, it’s awesome. Last night, as I walked into one of my care homes that I’ve been with for many years, my migraine signal number one began. I became dizzy, things became a bit blurry, and it didn’t stop after a few seconds. Oh no. This is usually my first indicator that a migraine is coming. I told the care home staff that I thought maybe I was getting a migraine, put my hands on my face, messed with my ears, and began to force yawning (all random things that I’ve read here and there that I am totally willing to try). As I was trying to take a moment to see if this would pass, I had one client excited to see me and eager to begin our routine conversation about TV channels. As my hands are over my face, “J” is about 7 inches from my ear ‘Jennica, WB is on channel 3? The Frog says WB? WB is on channel 3? What channel is that?’ This goes on without pause for quite a duration. I love this guy, and I am usually so game for this conversation, but this is not the constant conversation you want when you are trying to determine if you are, or are not getting a migraine. Even the staff picked up on the fact that something was not good, they quickly intervened, ‘Come here “J”, Jennica needs a minute.”
It’s amazing what anxiety can do. It fires up your brain to such a ridiculous speed. This is what went on in my head within about 3 seconds:
- Oh my gosh, is this a migraine?
- I’ve never gotten a migraine at work.
- Am I going to need to go home?
- Am I going to be able to drive home?
- Did I take my vitamin supplements today?
- Did I drink my smoothie today?
- How many days is this from day 205?
- I don’t want this to be my new normal.
I slowly lifted my hands from my face and looked around, settling in to my surroundings. ‘I don’t think I’m getting a migraine,’ I tell myself. Then I have to explain myself to the staff of the care home where I have worked for years. I hate having to explain that I get migraines, and that they level me, and that is why I plug my ears, shake my head, and rub my temples all in an effort to out fool the migraine from showing up. Did I fool this migraine from showing up? Why didn’t it come? I had step one of my migraines happen, the dizziness, why didn’t step 2, my kaleidoscope eyes happen? I know I’m not supposed to look a gift horse in the mouth, but what do I expect now? I am not one that is good with surprises, I like knowing what to expect.
I went on with my night, all was good. All but my amped up body by the time I got home. There was no reason for my body to be so many steps up, the only way I can describe it is when I put my hands up near my head and say ‘I’m about right here now, all amped up.’ And that, my friends, is anxiety.
I’ve written about my anxiety a few times, once devoting an entire post to it, likening myself to Bob Wiley of What About Bob, you can find it here. I hope you can get some laughs, let me know if you can relate!
I’ve so enjoyed my new sense of normal without migraines for 6+ months, and the lack of migraine anxiety that has come with it. Walking into businesses, restaurants, stores, just walking in, like a normal person, not worrying about wearing my sunglasses a bit longer than socially normal, wearing a hat to set off light glares. I’m not ready for migraine anxiety to make a comeback as my new normal. It’s not welcome here.