Month: April 2016

Barely holding on to day 233…

A few times this last week, I’ve hit the panic button.

I felt a little dizzy, a little off, and then the panic dialog started inside my head:

“Oh no, this is it.  This is where the streak ends.  It was a good streak.  It will be ok.  What do I have going on the rest of the today…tomorrow?  I can handle it if it comes.”

Then, thankfully nothing.

Battling though.  Battling.

The weather.  What. The. Heck.

Rain one day.  Sunshine the next.  Thunder and lightening the next.  Then wind like the house is going to blow away.

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Weather is said to be a migraine trigger.

Honestly, at this point, just throw anything out there, it can be a migraine trigger.

Chocolate?  Trigger.  Wine?  Trigger.  Weather?  Trigger.  Dinosaurs?  Trigger.  Roller coaster?  Trigger.  Looking through a window?  Trigger.  Grocery shopping?  Trigger.

Obviously, sarcasm is involved, yet, if you google anything and migraine trigger, I’m sure it will be found somewhere.  Migraines are not choosy.

That leads me to my anxiety induced panic filled web search and phone calls of this afternoon following a regular visit to my natural foods store where I get the arsenal of my anti-migraine potion.

When I went to purchase Butterbur, they were out.  Not only out, but not sure when they will be getting any more in.  Apparently, there is a problem with the butterbur crop or something?  What the what??!!  Ok, how about Feverfew?  Nope, out of that too.

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Looked online, found my brand easily on a website….out of stock/backorder.

Called around and found a store that carried Butterbur about 15 miles from me.  I’ll be going to pick it up tomorrow.  I’m nervous if it is a different brand.  I’m certainly a creature of habit, and I don’t need any slight change to create a reaction in me.  But more important, I don’t want anything to change in my anti-migraine potion, along with my daily anti-migraine smoothie.  Because 233 days migraine free is amazing.  And I’m not sure which cog of this machine is making it work, but I’m not going to screw any of it up.

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Can’t wait to spend my $800,000

Dear Mr. Song Soo Shin,

I can not believe my good fortune in being able to collect $800,000.  All I need to do is give you any form of my identification, for example:  my international passport or my “driver license”, my telephone and fax numbers for easy communication.  And “more also” my mailing address where this Draft will be delivered?  My gosh, don’t forget, you probably need my social security number also don’t you?  I’m certain this would make it even easier for you to deliver these funds.

Just to clarify, you need me to “hasten up and pick this Fund?”  I’m not too sure what that means, but ok.  I’m sure that once you get all of my personal information, possibly the blood of my firstborn as well, that will all be worked out.

I can not believe that this is my last chance to cash in on this amazing opportunity.  I have no idea why your past emails have gone unanswered by me.  I feel so bad for wasting your time previously.  I so apologize for that, and am unmeasurably appreciative that you sent me one last email.

Thank you Mr. Song Soo Shin, I can not wait to tell my family that we get to book a 2 week trip to Hawaii, buy new cars for everyone, and get those ponies that my daughters have always wanted.  Followed by a big fat addition on our home so my kids don’t have to share a room any longer.  Truly Mr. Song Soo Shin, I have you to thank for future decreased fighting between siblings in this house.

Getting my personal identification records ready to forward you now….

 

 

 

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Too many emotional layers…

Lately, it seems that there are too many emotional layers in my head. I’m picturing it like the way we learned about rocks and land, where there are layers upon layers built upon each other.

Yet, unlike land, in my head, there is a definite limit to the amount of layers that can be built.  When the layers in my head have reached the top, even the smallest piece of dust that lands on the top layer seems to be too much.

I was subbing last week, and while in the lunch room with friends, tears built up in my eyes while I was in the process of figuring out a plan for the afternoon.  I was figuring out where my kids would be going in multiple directions when I had to be somewhere else. Not a big deal.  Everyday, normal decision making.  I’m not a cryer, especially in front of other people.  I tried to shake it off, and gave myself a quick ‘Pull it together!’

Yet, it was the dust on top of the layers.

That’s happening lately. Normal things that aren’t big things at all, at times have a big effect on me.

All I can figure, is that I need to get rid of some of those lower levels of crap that take up space in my head.

Many of these layers seemed to have just shown up, and taken up residence, I haven’t even really been aware that they moved in!   And like current home and tenant laws, after a short time limit of being there, even if they don’t belong, it’s a battle to get them out.

I need to make myself clear, I am not suffering from anything. I have close friends that are going through crazy times. Yet, here I am, my mind not able to take a piece of dust on top of the layers.

After talking to a friend recently, I wonder if a part of it has to do with being in my 40’s.

This seems to be an in between time.

My kids aren’t young, they don’t need me in the same ways that they used to, yet they aren’t around the corner from leaving the nest quite yet.  We’re in the midst of teenager years which brings it’s own challenges.  (Note:  Challenges is a very nice, PC word to use for some teen parenting experiences.)

40’s is finding good friends sick.  Horribly sick.

By our 40’s, most of us have been married a long time, and as I look around, it’s bringing some divorces.

40’s seems to be an in between time.

These 40’s things may be contributing to the layers in my head that are already there from my own life experiences.

But, I can see around the corner. Resilience will bring experience to this in between time, and maybe then the layers will start to lift.

Although, as I chip away at those layers in my head that by now probably have fossils in them, I believe for the time being my motto will be this:

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Just keeping it real.  Shoulders go down a bit in tension, and a small smile comes across my face as I take a sip while making dinner.

It may not chisel the layers, that’s going to take some work, but I do believe it helps me with the dusting.

 

Representing 209

Yes, my area code is 209, but I’m more focused on representing day 209 of no migraines.

I was super nervous to celebrate day 200, or even really acknowledge day 205, which is where my largest migraine free streak up until now had ended.

Yet, here I am.  Day 209.  No kaleidoscope eyes, no dullness for 48 hours with the fear of standing up too quickly for reasons other than a fire due to the extreme headache pain for TWO HUNDRED AND NINE DAYS!  Anti migraine smoothie?  Butterbur?  Feverfew?  B-2?  Plain luck?  Don’t know the reason.  Just thankful.

I wrote on day 197 that I was nervous about going to Vegas, that partying like a rock star (although, let’s be honest, my version of partying like a rock star is likened more to that of a 90 year old rock star these days), but honestly, I was nervous that enjoying multiple cocktails for a couple days in a row may bring on a migraine.

A couple days before our trip, I woke up in the middle of the night and told my husband I didn’t want to go to Vegas.  Not because of my fear of it triggering a migraine, I just wasn’t feeling it.  When I booked the trip months ago, which was anchored by purchasing tickets to see Billy Idol, I was in a Hell Ya! mood, a kick ass Let’s Do This! mood.  I haven’t been feeling that mood lately.  And the more experience I have at this living life thing, the more I have to listen to that voice that says “I don’t want to do this” and go with what feels good.

So, we went to Tahoe.  Familiar, relaxing, beautiful, with some cocktails mixed in there too.  The gambling gods even gave me a shout out to let me know that I was right to listen to my inner voice and go with what feels good by giving me this:

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Thank you Royal Flush.

Catch ya’ on the next one Billy Idol.

Rock on 209.