Lately, it seems that there are too many emotional layers in my head. I’m picturing it like the way we learned about rocks and land, where there are layers upon layers built upon each other.
Yet, unlike land, in my head, there is a definite limit to the amount of layers that can be built. When the layers in my head have reached the top, even the smallest piece of dust that lands on the top layer seems to be too much.
I was subbing last week, and while in the lunch room with friends, tears built up in my eyes while I was in the process of figuring out a plan for the afternoon. I was figuring out where my kids would be going in multiple directions when I had to be somewhere else. Not a big deal. Everyday, normal decision making. I’m not a cryer, especially in front of other people. I tried to shake it off, and gave myself a quick ‘Pull it together!’
Yet, it was the dust on top of the layers.
That’s happening lately. Normal things that aren’t big things at all, at times have a big effect on me.
All I can figure, is that I need to get rid of some of those lower levels of crap that take up space in my head.
Many of these layers seemed to have just shown up, and taken up residence, I haven’t even really been aware that they moved in! And like current home and tenant laws, after a short time limit of being there, even if they don’t belong, it’s a battle to get them out.
I need to make myself clear, I am not suffering from anything. I have close friends that are going through crazy times. Yet, here I am, my mind not able to take a piece of dust on top of the layers.
After talking to a friend recently, I wonder if a part of it has to do with being in my 40’s.
This seems to be an in between time.
My kids aren’t young, they don’t need me in the same ways that they used to, yet they aren’t around the corner from leaving the nest quite yet. We’re in the midst of teenager years which brings it’s own challenges. (Note: Challenges is a very nice, PC word to use for some teen parenting experiences.)
40’s is finding good friends sick. Horribly sick.
By our 40’s, most of us have been married a long time, and as I look around, it’s bringing some divorces.
40’s seems to be an in between time.
These 40’s things may be contributing to the layers in my head that are already there from my own life experiences.
But, I can see around the corner. Resilience will bring experience to this in between time, and maybe then the layers will start to lift.
Although, as I chip away at those layers in my head that by now probably have fossils in them, I believe for the time being my motto will be this:
Just keeping it real. Shoulders go down a bit in tension, and a small smile comes across my face as I take a sip while making dinner.
It may not chisel the layers, that’s going to take some work, but I do believe it helps me with the dusting.