40’s

A different kind of hard.

Age 46 is literally around the corner.  Like, a 15 day corner.

I’m just not feeling it though.  Not “I can’t handle turning 46.”  I’m truly not feeling 46.

Ok, ok, let’s be honest here.  Physically, I’m there at 46 if not and some.  I had to ask my husband to borrow his grocery store reading glasses yesterday to read because I couldn’t hold the book at an appropriate distance to see the words correctly, and I couldn’t find my grocery store reading glasses.  My hands feel like there is fire in my knuckles at times when my arthritis flares up.  And one of my kids told me my butt is flat two days ago.  Um, no it’s not.  That one I can’t handle.  I’m not going down like that.

Mentally and emotionally though?  I don’t feel old.  I know I’m not O-L-D, but I’m certainly old in younger circles opinions.  I was at work the other day at one of my care homes, and on the TV was on an old black and white movie.  The men were commenting on how a woman had gone down hill, and just let herself go, ‘but she was 45′ was the explanation the men gave.  Sigh.

Not feeling the 46 years in ways such as going to more concerts this summer than I have in the last 10 years combined.  I feel young and free at concerts.  I LOVE the loud music.  Grant it, one of the concerts will be Huey Lewis and the News, I won’t be rocking out, but I will be singing every word.  I’m balancing that show out with others where I will clearly be in the top 2% of the oldest people there by far.  Don’t care.  Don’t throw off my groove man.

I just signed up for a teaching credential 2 year college degree program last week.  My family witnessed me running around the house, laughing and happy singing “I’m going to college!”  I’m definitely not feeling my oncoming 46th year when I’m returning to college.  This is when I don’t feel old, because I feel like I still have a lot to give.  I’m not done yet.

Two years ago, I wrote The older I get…the more free I feel.  I vowed to make the rest of my life the best of my life.  I’ve been thrown some serious curve balls, and things haven’t gone quite as smoothly as planned since then, but always working on it.

My friends and I, while in the trenches of babies and toddlers, used to comment on how hard things were.  At that time, we also recognized that as hard as baby and toddler mom life was, teenager mom life would be a different kind of hard and tired.  Turned out to be a true story.  Rewarding and loving, but a different kind of hard.

A friend posted this article on her FB page today, it’s a long read, but I loved it.  Take the time and read it if you’re in the 40 somethings and in a not feeling it yet place like me!  Appreciate the things that the 40’s have brought.  There are many.  The post was touching and also super funny.  The fact that I have yet to step foot on our trampoline that has been in the backyard for the past couple of months directly related to the author stating getting on the trampoline would result in 3 chiropractor visits the following week!

Here is the article, make sure to check it out:  Her View From Home, This Stage of Life?  It’s Hard Too.  It’s good!

Bring it on 46!

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Problem Solver vs. Fighter

A few weeks back I wrote about having Too many emotional layers… and being at my limit.

As I was thinking today about one of those layers a little voice inside my head said “you are a fighter,” and I thought, I am a fighter.  And then that little voice inside my head said “you are a problem solver,” and I thought, I am a problem solver.

Just this last weekend I was laughing with my almost 16 year old son about a computer game we used to play together called Pajama Sam.  Worst game ever, because even with a college degree, I could not solve the problem of finding the last vegetable person (what the heck was that game anyhow?) and we never beat the game.  I can picture this game in my head with 100% accuracy as I write this, and there’s a part of me that may go look for the CD ROM and see if I can solve it today.

Worst game ever.

When that little voice inside my head decided to talk and say that I’m a fighter, and then, that I’m a problem solver, the lightbulb went on, the sky opened up a bit, and things made sense to me.  I AM a problem solver.  I can’t handle things just dangling, hanging unsolved.  I’ve always been a ‘why’ person.  Call it needing to know, or even suspicious until I know the reason behind some things.  I’m a thinker.  I can get lost in spinning on a thought or a problem.  It’s not always a good thing.  Over the years I have learned to not waste valuable brain space for things that aren’t important to solve or to get to the bottom of.

But, some things in life right now, they need a solution.  And unlike Pajama Sam, I will stick with it until I come up with the right fit solution.  That’s the fighter.  When things matter, you don’t give up until they are right.  I think that in order to be a good problem solver in life, you also have to be a fighter, so you never give up.

 

Oh, and sorry in advance if you aren’t able to get ahold of me for a while, look what I found…

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Too many emotional layers…

Lately, it seems that there are too many emotional layers in my head. I’m picturing it like the way we learned about rocks and land, where there are layers upon layers built upon each other.

Yet, unlike land, in my head, there is a definite limit to the amount of layers that can be built.  When the layers in my head have reached the top, even the smallest piece of dust that lands on the top layer seems to be too much.

I was subbing last week, and while in the lunch room with friends, tears built up in my eyes while I was in the process of figuring out a plan for the afternoon.  I was figuring out where my kids would be going in multiple directions when I had to be somewhere else. Not a big deal.  Everyday, normal decision making.  I’m not a cryer, especially in front of other people.  I tried to shake it off, and gave myself a quick ‘Pull it together!’

Yet, it was the dust on top of the layers.

That’s happening lately. Normal things that aren’t big things at all, at times have a big effect on me.

All I can figure, is that I need to get rid of some of those lower levels of crap that take up space in my head.

Many of these layers seemed to have just shown up, and taken up residence, I haven’t even really been aware that they moved in!   And like current home and tenant laws, after a short time limit of being there, even if they don’t belong, it’s a battle to get them out.

I need to make myself clear, I am not suffering from anything. I have close friends that are going through crazy times. Yet, here I am, my mind not able to take a piece of dust on top of the layers.

After talking to a friend recently, I wonder if a part of it has to do with being in my 40’s.

This seems to be an in between time.

My kids aren’t young, they don’t need me in the same ways that they used to, yet they aren’t around the corner from leaving the nest quite yet.  We’re in the midst of teenager years which brings it’s own challenges.  (Note:  Challenges is a very nice, PC word to use for some teen parenting experiences.)

40’s is finding good friends sick.  Horribly sick.

By our 40’s, most of us have been married a long time, and as I look around, it’s bringing some divorces.

40’s seems to be an in between time.

These 40’s things may be contributing to the layers in my head that are already there from my own life experiences.

But, I can see around the corner. Resilience will bring experience to this in between time, and maybe then the layers will start to lift.

Although, as I chip away at those layers in my head that by now probably have fossils in them, I believe for the time being my motto will be this:

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Just keeping it real.  Shoulders go down a bit in tension, and a small smile comes across my face as I take a sip while making dinner.

It may not chisel the layers, that’s going to take some work, but I do believe it helps me with the dusting.