funny

Too soon T-Mobile fees lice ad, too soon!

This commercial came on the other night, and the whole family cringed:

 

It isn’t a coincidence that lice is a 4 letter word.  It is the worst non life threatening thing ever!

Please feel free to laugh at my full lice account from March of 2015:

Lice is Evil

Oh. My. Gosh.

So, this just arrived in the mail this afternoon:

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Oh. My. Gosh.  The only thing that came to mind, is something that I am 99.9% certain that I’ve never said, and that I’ve even made fun of before:

I can’t even.

Because, I honestly couldn’t even.  I couldn’t wait to open it up and see what awaited me with such a fantastic cover!  It’s only got to be more crazy inside right?

Oh ya.

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No way.

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It just kept getting better!

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As unique as the love we share.  Wow.

I can not wait until Christmas morning!  (The sarcasm is strong with this one.)

This just made my day.  It goes hand in hand with these past posts.  Enjoy!

My husband is my best friend…NOT!

Best friend/wedding ring.  Yuck!

 

My Eyes!!! I can’t ever unsee some of that!

I have a gift/curse of seeing everything around me it seems.

I am known as the OSHA supervisor of my family.  I am always looking at what could go wrong with any situation, and I try to avoid the risks.  Our friends joke that I don’t let my kids eat with forks due to the danger.  I joked with them last week that we’ve moved onto sporks, but the weak almost bendable type!

I attribute my noticing everything partially to just who I am, and partially from risk management classes during college.  Always be aware of what could go wrong, and prepare for it.

This has led me to constantly have my eyes open and scan the area, and unfortunately for me, often times I just can’t ever erase some of what I see once I’ve seen it.  Here are four examples that come to mind right away:

1. Woman defecating in the parking lot in front of Toys R Us.

This past Saturday, I was working, and in between visits to care homes, I stopped at Michaels to pick up some more supplies and to eat my lunch while sitting in my car in the parking lot.  As I was pulling into the shopping center parking lot, I noticed a woman walking on the sidewalk that was walking unsteady, and was overall disheveled.  As I parked my car and started eating my lunch, I noticed the woman had turned into the parking lot.  As I stared out of my front window blankly letting my mind wander, I noticed her stop in a row that had dirt on the inside, pull down her pants, squat, and start going to the bathroom.  At this point, my head went back and forth, scanning the area to see if there was ANYONE ELSE that was seeing this!

 

CARS DROVE BY HER!  I watched the drivers, no one seemed to pay much attention to the woman squatted and pooping 2 feet from where their car was driving by!!!  I scanned my eyes more, and noticed a security guard, shooting the breeze while smoking with another guy, and it just so happened he was sitting on a shopping cart rail where a van was blocking his view of the woman pooping about 100 feet from him.  WHAT. THE. HELL.  She got up, pulled up her pants, and carried on.  It was like I was getting Punked.  It was also clearly not her first time doing this, because she didn’t miss a beat.  Needless to say, my grocery store sushi roll did not get eaten.

I HAD to make this to show how it really went down:

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2. Guy tying off his arm in two places whereas what I would assume to be in order to shoot up.

Thankfully, sometimes others see the things that I notice too.  Although, it would have been nice if not everyone in the car would have seen this episode.  Driving home from camping last week through a small farming town near the coast, right on the corner of a highway, no one else around, there was a man using his teeth and spare hand to tighten up a second elastic tourniquet on his right arm.  My husband and I both gave each other this look:

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Then the questions came from the 3 kids in the backseat.  Lovely conversation that I never thought I’d have to have, about something I never expected to see.

3. Older man’s pre-batting softball ritual.

Again, I was very thankful that this next one was witnessed by another person.  A friend who I will be able to text throughout life without needing much explanation as a description of this event.  Our husbands play on a softball team together.  A player from the other team got up to bat, approached the plate, and put the bat between his legs, and motioned it back and forth about 7 times before assuming his batting stance.

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But, let’s just say, to be putting it very mildly, it was not A Rod that we were watching. And, it was not raining, nor wet outside.  It was about 95 degrees and very dry.

4. Vomit at Disneyland’s World of Color show.

A few years back, when Disneyland’s World of Color outside water light show was new, we took the kids to see it as a last event of a very long day.  The show started, and due to my love for fireworks and the like, I was super excited.  Then, it happened.  Someone about 5 feet behind me, in the middle of the walkway threw up.  What happened next was mesmerizing.  Within about 60 seconds, a Disneyland worker with a briefcase showed up.  He took out a special package, unwrapped it and put on the gloves that were inside.  Next, he unwrapped a special paper towel set and scooped up the mess, and placed it into a zipped container.  Throughout this process, I swear I had the Bugs Bunny Looney Tunes factory song playing in my head:

He then got out a sprayer, and sprayed the ground, wiped it up with another special towel that he had unwrapped, and quickly shut his briefcase.  And just like that, he was gone.  I had my head rubbernecked behind me watching the detailed way that vomit was cleaned up at Disneyland for 5 minutes of the show.  I can’t tell you what songs played during the show, or what was projected up onto the shooting water.  But, I can tell you in detail the vomit clean up process.  I looked around often to see if anyone else was watching with me.  I even commented to my husband a few times, to which he clearly believed I was crazy to be so interested about the vomit clean up committee.

This is a very short list of the type of things I notice on an almost daily basis.  It’s a gift and a curse to see so many things that others may not.  And even though it’s most likely due to me being nervous and anxious that I am constantly casing my surroundings, at least I have some good stories!

The day I called our chickens A-Holes

Last Tuesday I called two of our four chickens A-Holes.  I’m certain I said the real word, but I’m keeping this family friendly.

A-Hole #1, Goldilocks

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A-Hole #2, Blackjack

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Now, this isn’t normal behavior, me calling my chickens names, so let me explain…

The prior Sunday, I went to let the chickens out of their Taj Mahal chicken coop, and my white one, Foggy (Full name Foghorn, because she’s a Leghorn type chicken.  How could we not name her that?)

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Anyhow, when I opened up the coop door, Foghorn, who is white, had blood covering her head and parts of her body.  Scared me to death.  When I tried to clean her up, the only thing I could determine is that I had thought the blood was coming from her comb (the red thing on top of her head.)  I left her in the coop alone because it’s possible that she was picked on by the others and they did the damage.  About an hour later, she was not doing well.  I picked her up and brought her inside of the office and put her in the sink and gave her a cool bath.  I have never given a chicken a bath.  I have no chicken medical experience, but it was over 100 degrees out, and she didn’t seem good.

My husband came home to a pretty much non responsive chicken inside a cat carrier, in our office with the A/C on.  He’s usually pretty grossed out by animals inside, but I think he knew, this being our most friendly and sweet chicken, who “talks” to us each time we talk to her, she needed to be taken care of the best way possible.  I wasn’t sure if she was going to make it.  The only way we described her was to say she was “beak down.”  Couldn’t lift her head, and couldn’t stand.  I gave her water out of my hand repeatedly through that evening.  The next morning, as I was apprehensive to check on her, she was standing, and then eating, and talking to us.  Crazy!  I put her in with our goats so that she wasn’t with the other chickens in case they were the culprits in this whole injury to start with.

There’s the backstory, on to the A-Holes…

On Tuesday, I was rushing to get all animals situated so I could leave for 2 nights to go away with my husband, with no kids.  (Sidenote:  it’s been 8 years since we have been gone without kids for 2 nights.)

As I was rounding up the chickens to put them inside their coop so I could leave, A-Hole #1 began hanging around the goat pen checking out Foggy through the fence posts with WAY too much interest.  So, as I picked her up and carried her to the coop, I told her (out loud) “Stop being an A-Hole, leave Foggy alone.”

When I went to close the chicken coop door, I realized only 2 of the 3 that should be in there were standing there looking at me.

The 3rd?

Over this fence in a neighbors yard.

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Did I mention I was trying to get on the road to get away for 2 nights?  I was already 1/2 hour later than I had wanted to leave, with no leaving in quick sight.

So, there I was, trying to call this chicken, entice it with treats, everything I could think of, and I reluctantly realized, there was no other option than to hop that damn fence.

When one of the chickens has gotten into this neighbors yard in the past, I have gotten one of the kids to climb the ladder, get over the fence, pick up the chicken, and climb back up the cross boards up and over the fence to put this chicken back on the right side of the fence.  We have no idea how these chickens pull their Houdini moves to get to the other side of the fence, so we don’t know any other way of getting them back.

No kids were here last Tuesday though.  My 45 year old self had to hop the fence, get in the other people’s yard, pick up the chicken, and climb the fence back over.  As I was straddling the top of the fence with the chicken in my arms, one leg on each side of the fence, I told Blackjack (out loud), “You’re an A-Hole.”  Then brought her to the safety of her coop.

This below is the reason why the chickens are no longer free to roam the yard whenever they want and have to be put in the coop sometimes:

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This guy.  Cooper.  Our 4 month old pup.  He’s fond of chasing the chickens and then giving their feathers “kisses,” for lack of a better description.

These two savage beasts that we have could care less about the chickens:

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Mara and Zoe, looking as fierce as ever.  You can read more about them here:  For the love of dogs.

Anyhow, happy ending, Foggy is doing great.  Still hanging out with the goats for a while longer while she completely heals.  And the others aren’t acting like A-Holes for now.

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And that, my friends, is definitely an example of “other tidbits of my life,” as explained in my blog’s title:

You can’t argue with crazy

Migraines suck, and other tidbits of my life!

Can’t wait to spend my $800,000

Dear Mr. Song Soo Shin,

I can not believe my good fortune in being able to collect $800,000.  All I need to do is give you any form of my identification, for example:  my international passport or my “driver license”, my telephone and fax numbers for easy communication.  And “more also” my mailing address where this Draft will be delivered?  My gosh, don’t forget, you probably need my social security number also don’t you?  I’m certain this would make it even easier for you to deliver these funds.

Just to clarify, you need me to “hasten up and pick this Fund?”  I’m not too sure what that means, but ok.  I’m sure that once you get all of my personal information, possibly the blood of my firstborn as well, that will all be worked out.

I can not believe that this is my last chance to cash in on this amazing opportunity.  I have no idea why your past emails have gone unanswered by me.  I feel so bad for wasting your time previously.  I so apologize for that, and am unmeasurably appreciative that you sent me one last email.

Thank you Mr. Song Soo Shin, I can not wait to tell my family that we get to book a 2 week trip to Hawaii, buy new cars for everyone, and get those ponies that my daughters have always wanted.  Followed by a big fat addition on our home so my kids don’t have to share a room any longer.  Truly Mr. Song Soo Shin, I have you to thank for future decreased fighting between siblings in this house.

Getting my personal identification records ready to forward you now….

 

 

 

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I’ve got a confession to make…

I have an irrational, obsessive fear of elevator shafts and street drains.
Let me explain.

First, elevators.

I’m not scared of an elevator falling to the bottom floor as you may think is my fear regarding elevators.  I’m afraid of that little spot between the floor, and the elevator.

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The slat that is a perfect spot, that if my keys fell, it would be a fiasco to try and get them back.  There is not a time, not once, that I step onto an elevator and I don’t think about that hole, and my keys falling into it.  I then go through the steps in my mind that I believe would be how to get them back.  This is what I’ve come up with.  If we’re at a large building, say a casino, there are people that work there all over, I believe I could find the right person to lead me down to what I picture as a basement with a burning stove, where in movies, it’s creepy and murders take place.  BUT, there would be my keys, sitting at the bottom of the elevator shaft, along with what I would imagine are wallets, money, phones, and other keys belonging to people who hadn’t thought through a plan, and figure their item is gone for good.

IF, it is a small elevator, in say, a small apartment complex.  I figure I’m pretty screwed.  It’s going to take a long while to get someone who knows where to go and what to do to get me my keys that fell down the hole.  But, if I can get the keys to the bottom elevator floor room, I’m pretty sure I’d have the situation locked down.  I’ve thought it through in my mind so many times, I’m pretty sure I’ve come up with all possible solutions.

So, as I think through my plan of action each and every time I get on or off of an elevator, you can look closely, and will see that I am distracted in my thoughts of where exactly my keys are.  If they are in my purse, and there is any possible way that they can fall out and land perfectly as to slide down that crack into the elevator dungeon, I’m double checking that my purse is securely closed, possibly checking multiple times.  If my keys or phone are in my hand, there is a death grip on them.

My husband was with me when I took the picture above of the floor in front of the elevator.  He said “What are you doing?”  I told him that I was taking a picture because I may write a post on how I’m scared that my keys will fall down the elevator shaft through the slot between the floor and the elevator.  His reply?  “Alright.”  Really, no skin off his back, this isn’t his first rodeo with me and my crazy thoughts, he knows there is no reason to question further.

Moving on to street drains.

As if the elevator wasn’t enough to worry about, there are street drains.

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These pose an entire different threat.  Some, I don’t get too incredibly worried about, because you can see the bottom.  Yet, on a rainy day, that bit of comfort is totally gone.  Once those keys hit the flowing water downhill, they are gone.  And really, I have no plan for that one.  As well as the large drains where you can’t see the ground.  No plan other than calling the City Utility district and maybe making up a story that the keys belonged to the limo of a top government official or something so that maybe they would come and help me look for them.

And what about this sign that often accompanies a street drain?  It makes this whole process even harder to handle.  Really?  A creek?  I’m never getting my keys back, ever.

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Street drains.  I have to hold my keys even tighter in my hands then when I’m walking onto an elevator.  Some of these drains seem large enough for my whole wallet to fall through.  I will avoid walking directly over them at all costs.

The other night, I felt like someone pulled the banana in the tailpipe trick on me.  Not really that trick specifically, but a clever one that got me.  As I leisurely got out of the car at Target, I looked down and this is what I saw:

IMG_7017Good Lord.  I let out what I imagine would be described as a loud gasp, like, I just missed getting hit by a dart or something.

Thankfully, my keys and phone were tucked away in my pockets, where they were not threatened by this unexpected drain.

I can pretty much guarantee that I will never park in that spot at Target again for as long as I live.

I think it’s safe to assume that you would not be surprised at this point to know that each and every time that I take off a ring or earrings near a sink, that I mentally go through the steps of taking apart the pipes below to rescue any fallen jewelry.  I find comfort in having a plan.

And, there you have it.  My brain.  It’s never boring in there, there’s always something that I can find to worry about!

I’d love to know if anyone has every dropped anything down the elevator shaft hole, or in a drain, and what the outcome was.  I am fully willing to add a new plan of action to my current ones if need be!  🙂

 

 

OH MY GOSH!  After I wrote this, I googled ‘my keys fell down the elevator shaft’, and this came up!

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Your-Keys-out-of-an-Elevator-Shaft

No way.

AND THIS!  I love Mike Rowe, and Dirty Jobs, didn’t know he did this episode.  And they found a credit card!!!  Along with some gross stuff…

http://www.discovery.com/tv-shows/dirty-jobs/videos/elevator-repairman/

Best friend/wedding ring. Yuck.

My very good friend asked me the other day if I’d seen the commercial for the best friend/wedding ring.  Um, no.

We have talked many times about the whole husband as my best friend thing.  That’s why this commercial was so extra hilarious to us.  Really?  You need 2 diamonds?  One for your marriage, and one to state you’re best friends?  Yuck.

I made a mental note to watch it on YouTube.

She texted me tonight that she had just seen it again on TV and had I seen it yet.  I immediately went to YouTube.  And this is what I saw:

I may or may not have texted her that I had just thrown up in my mouth.

Again, I’m not a hater.  I love that people are happily married.  I gave that disclaimer in my post My husband is my best friend…NOT.  Heck, I have tomorrow’s date circled on the calendar because it will have been 20 years from the day my husband and I met.  I’m just not into the husband best friend thing, let alone a ring with two diamonds.

I’m thinking it’s a new ploy to get even more extra competitive over the engagement ring.  Did YOU get 2 diamonds?  An extra for being a best friend, or just one diamond because he has a different best friend than you?

Wow.  Whole new can of worms right there.

 

 

A SNAKE FIGHT? WHAT THE WHAT?

My fear of snakes is well known.

I have SO much to say after watching the full 4:04 length video of this SNAKE FIGHT!!! WHAT???

  1. I will never, ever go to Singapore.
  2. I loved the part in the beginning where the man filming said in a very high voice, ‘Hooooo!’
  3. Why in the wide world of sports were those people standing 3 feet from from the SNAKE FIGHT!!!
  4. Those were BIG ASS SNAKES!
  5. Where is the one that went in the bushes?
    1. Why are there still people walking around when there is a snake like that in the bushes.
  6. That poor guy who had to hold the bag.  I had tears in my eyes as I watched that.  Half out of fear, half out of laughter.  Just a guy in a t-shirt, holding a white bag for a 6 foot long snake that was just in a SNAKE FIGHT to go into!

A python, and a cobra, frickin’ SNAKE FIGHT!  I’m now exhausted.

No thank you Maroon 5…

So, all morning, this was the song in my head:

Maroon 5 – This Summer’s Gonna Hurt Like A Motherf****r

I don’t even necessarily like the song that much, but I can identify with it.  And not for what I’d imagine it’s supposed to mean, like partying like a rock star, or whatever the song is truly about.  Yet, my glamorous take on it, is if I continue to get migraines this summer like the one I got yesterday, ‘This Summer’s Gonna Hurt Like A Motherf****r!’

If anyone got the license of this truck that must have hit me yesterday:

Or if you could tell me if I got any good punches in during the fight against this guy last night:

Because that’s how I feel today.  The ginger helped with the nausea, which was nice (Ginger for Migraines).  Nothing touched the headache or helped me figure out where my brain was and why my head was dizzy today though.

Oh well, as I tell my kids sometimes when they’re not feeling up to something ‘fake it ’til you make it.’

Now, on with the rest of the day….

I am one step up from jammie bottoms.

About a year ago, I was walking my kids into school and I heard shuffling/scraping of feet.  One of my least favorite sounds in the world.  I must tell my middle child to ‘pick up your feet’ at least 4 times a week.  As I looked to see who the culprit was, my eyes discovered it was a parent, shuffling her slippers across the sidewalk, her slippers accompanied by her jammies and jacket.  OH COME ON!!!!!!

I love jammies.  My family knows that, friends know that.  If I have nowhere to be, I’m wearing jammies, into the home office to do work, around the house to cook, clean and do laundry.  I loved when the kids were little and they didn’t have schedules yet, we would have jammie days all the time!  The warmer the jammies, the better.  Over the years, my kids have gotten me Spongebob jammies, Eeyore jammies, and tons of fuzzy, fleece, flannel ones.

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As much as I love jammies, and would prefer to stay in them at all times, I don’t.  I step it up ONE notch, and throw on some sweats and a hoodie.  But that one notch is enough to say ‘I cared enough to get changed out of my jammies before going out into public.’  I did not get the gift of wanting to spend a lot of time on my clothes or appearance.  As a matter of fact, my New Years resolution was to put aside at least 5 minutes each day to use my flat iron and make my hair more presentable.  Resolution fail…I’m in a pony tail or hat 98% of the time.  There are times that I feel I should step it up, and others that I say ‘screw it.’  If there’s a reason, I will dress for the occasion, and clean up well.  But as much as I’m a slacker in the fashion department……jammies in public, I haven’t done that.

If you ever see me in Target and I’m in my jammies, it will be because my children puked on each and every pair of pants that I own.  And you will know that because I will tell everyone I see that ‘I’m in my jammies because my kids puked on all my clothes.  I’m here to get Children’s Tylenol, we ran out, and I had no puke free pants, I had to wear my jammies.’  That would be legit.

This is the text I received from my longest lifetime friend this morning:

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And yes, I wrote wailing instead of walking on mistake, but the point of this is, we have had the jammies in public talk so many times, that it required the above acknowledgment text.

Hey, I’m not hating on anyone.  This below pretty much sums it up: