It’s funny how sometimes, something seems off, and as I’m trying to work it out in my head , something comes along that I either read or hear, and it helps me move along and make sense of things.
I’ve found myself very busy lately, and getting things done. I wonder if it has to do with the fact that I have more days to get things done, they haven’t been taken over by migraines now for over 200 days as I had written about last week. (Sidenote…looks like 205 is my number. 205 days following my last migraine, I got one as I was in Raley’s shopping for dinner the day before Easter.) As I have been working more, as well as busying myself with things that have been waiting to get done, I think I’ve maybe (embarrassingly and regretfully) been going through the motions with my family. Everyone gets fed, loved, tucked in, kisses, and I love you’s, but, at times it’s while I’m busy getting things done.
Back seven months ago, it was familiar for me to hear my youngest ask in a worried voice, ‘mom, are you getting a headache?’ Back then, I was getting roughly 2 migraines per week. That’s two days of my life affected for each migraine. So, about 4 bad days, and 3 good days per week. Lately, as I’ve been ‘checking’ myself (think Ice Cube), I’ve wondered if I was more present seven plus months ago because the days that were good, I really tried to get the most out of.
I don’t believe that you can live ‘every day to the fullest’. I think that may be a bit unrealistic, even though I’d love to think I could make it happen.
I do believe that moments can be celebrated on almost a daily basis. When we went away for a quick trip a few weeks ago, no one day was perfect. There were however, moments. Sitting on the beach listening to the waves and watching my family, everyone happy, that was a full moment. The next day at the park (which my older two swore they were too big for, but ran around with my youngest as they created their own game), I sat next to my husband with the sun on my back, not really talking, just hanging out, it was another full moment. After that short get away, I realized that a day doesn’t have to be perfect to be a success. To have those moments that are to the fullest matter, and they have the ability to make me feel whole.
I began to write this post between the celebration of day 200 of no migraines, and before day 205. With the return of a migraine on day 205, I recalled how I’ve often wondered if when I need to slow down, but don’t, is a migraine my body’s way of saying ‘ya, I’ll take care of this, you are going to be slowing down right now’? Day 205 definitely slowed me down. Most of the migraine bells and whistles were present, even some that rarely show up to the migraine party such as the cold chills. No numb lips and arms though, so I guess that’s good. My husband pointed out that getting a migraine once a calendar year may not be so bad. And I agree. They still suck, yet suck just doesn’t fully encompass the definition of a migraine. The sledgehammer that hits you down, with the pain afterwards, does more than suck. But, it’s funny, as I was driving home from Raley’s, knowing I was right ahead of the full kaleidoscope eyes storm, the point at which I would not be able to drive for at least 30 minutes, I found myself smiling. A slow, undercover smile, while thinking to myself, ‘alright, ya got me, I’m due, 205 is pretty good stuff.’
As I mentioned above, something I came across and read recently had parts that really spoke to me, and helped me move past some things that seemed to be taking up too much real estate in my head. Some of this article posted on handsfreemama.com is heavy, take from it what may apply to you:
So, “Could I be the party”? Yes.
I didn’t expect a kick-my-ass migraine reminder that I definitely needed to slow down, be the party, and take in the moments, but I’ll take it. Maybe a migraine for me at times can be a really sick, twisted gift that reminds me to slow the ____ down. Please just let my body go back to keeping these reminders hundreds of days apart.