school drills

Part 4: Our children’s reality, uncomfortably numb.

I read this article just a few minutes ago.  It hit me right in the gut.  It’s so similar to my exact feelings.

“Not a single morning goes by that I don’t drop my son and daughter at school and wonder for a split second — that’s all I allow myself — whether they will be murdered by a gunman that day.”

The full article can be found here:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/ct-oregon-shooting-school-lockdowns-balancing-1002-20151002-column.html

Every single night, I pray that my kids, and all kids, and schools will be safe the following day.  I will continue this.  But I just don’t know what else to do.

I get so mad, and I question so much when these school shootings happen.

Do I homeschool?  That keeps them safe from school shootings, but not movie theaters…

I told my husband this morning that I am starting to wonder what my little piece of political power, my one vote, holds.  That is something that I need to keep looking into, and in the end it may change how I’ve voted in the past, it may not.

This post is Part 4, because I’ve written about my children’s school drills three previous times.

Our children’s reality, uncomfortably numb. (Part 1)  My kids take on what a ‘cool’ lockdown drill is.

Our children’s reality, uncomfortably numb. (Part 2)  My first lock down experience while my child was at school.

Part 3: Our children’s reality, uncomfortably numb.  My children’s conversations in the car about the recent changes in an active shooter drill, and their nonchalant comments about the probability of being shot.  All while I am about to pass out at the wheel while listening to them!

Again, as I have said often, I fully support my children’s school and they are doing their very best to keep my kids safe.

But I wonder, big picture wonder, what the hell is enough to keep them safe anymore?

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Part 3: Our children’s reality, uncomfortably numb.

I was planning on publishing this in a couple of days, a recap of a conversation with my kids from last week.  But today, I subbed at my youngest’s elementary school, and participated in an ‘Active Shooter Drill’.  Laying flat, listening to the alarm, having administration bang on the doors to check that they are locked, all while meeting the eyes of little ones who some are nervous, some are still chatty, it’s hard to not get a little emotional that this is our reality.  I likened it to military, where God forbid anything like this ever happens for real, kids and staff would go on auto pilot and do what they have practiced, and practiced well.  So, I thought today was appropriate for the following post.

The actual conversation in the car after I picked up my children from school:

My 4th grade daughter:  We have a new way to act if we are on the playground for the stranger drill.

Me: Oh?

4th grader:  Ya, you don’t lay on the ground anymore, you run zig zag around the playground, or to the school to see if a class is open.  It makes it harder for someone to shoot you.

Me: Um, ok.

4th grader:  And someone asked a silly question, they asked what if the bad guy broke the window in the door and then just reached in and opened the door?

Me: Oh, I don’t think you need to worry about..

10th grader son interrupts:  Oh, that can totally happen, he could break the window with his gun and then just come in and start shooting then.

Me (in cold sweats, and clearly the only one in the car uncomfortable with the conversation):  Stop this conversation now please!

4th grader (totally nonchalant, with absolutely no emotion):  I totally think the old way was better.  You just lay down.

Me (calming down a bit thinking that I liked the old way too)

4th grader:  Because then you’re laying down and they just shoot you and it’s over.

Me:  Ok, that is it, no more of this talk, I can’t do it.

10th grade son and 7th grade daughter:  Snickering.

Me to my 10th grader:  Do you have drills?

10th grader:  Um, no.  Maybe we had a fire one last year?

What is going on?!!!

All 3 of my kids are in the car, chatting away like we’re talking about a recent movie seen, or what type of toppings they would order on frozen yogurt, and with each sentence stated by one of my kids in their calm, matter of fact voice, this is me:

And I could not make up this next part if I tried…  Playing outside later that night, my 9 year old says ‘hey mom, this is how we are supposed to run if there is a stranger on campus drill at school.’  And she proceeded to run across the grass, pretty much having fun, in a zig zag pattern.  She then wanted me to try.  As I had to almost laugh that I was going to run the ‘stranger zig zag pattern’, I rationalized that I was playing with my kid, so that’s good right?  After my zig zag debut, my 9 year old gave me a look like ‘ya, you’re a goner if it ever happens.’  So, I lost in the game of zig zag pattern stranger running?  I have no words…

Maybe it’s good that they are so matter of fact with all of this.  But it blows my mind still.  Again, glad that there are procedures in place to make our kids safe, and so thankful for my kids schools and their teachers.  But I have to almost laugh at the panic it creates in me, while my 3 kids are in an almost zen place when discussing this topic.

In case you missed it, here is why this post is labeled as number 3:

  1. Our children’s reality, uncomfortably numb (1)
  2. Our children’s reality, uncomfortably numb (2)

Our children’s reality, uncomfortably numb.

Today, day 3 of the new school year, I experienced my first real ‘lock down’ of a school my child was inside of. There were no children walking out of the school during pick up time, which was strange. My friend who’s daughter I drive home along with mine texted me to ask if there was a lock down at their school. What? As a matter of fact, there were 4 police cars down the road I was parked on. I called the police department after it had been 10 minutes since my daughter and her friend should have been in the car, and they stated that the lock down had just lifted. The lock down was due to police activity near the school. I am very thankful for the quick and proper response the school gave, yet it was still unnerving to say the least. As every day, I am thankful for the schools my children attend, and the wonderful teachers that are with them each day. Still wish this wasn’t their reality though…

You can't argue with crazy

On the way home in the car just now, my 3rd grader talked for 15 minutes about the lock out drill they had at school today.  She said they have a new code word, and that today, one of her friends was in the bathroom when the drill (so, so, thankful it was a drill) occurred.  If you’re in the bathroom, she told me, you stand up on the toilet and stay quiet.  There’s a whole different protocol if you are outside on the playground, or in the hallways.  She must have said 9 times how sorry she was for the friend who was in the bathroom when the drill happened.

Ok, a couple of things:

  1. I am numb that this is our reality.
  2. My freshman son asked why in the world they have those drills, I explained they have to be prepared, because this type of thing has happened…

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Our children’s reality, uncomfortably numb.

On the way home in the car just now, my 3rd grader talked for 15 minutes about the lock out drill they had at school today.  She said they have a new code word, and that today, one of her friends was in the bathroom when the drill (so, so, thankful it was a drill) occurred.  If you’re in the bathroom, she told me, you stand up on the toilet and stay quiet.  There’s a whole different protocol if you are outside on the playground, or in the hallways.  She must have said 9 times how sorry she was for the friend who was in the bathroom when the drill happened.

Ok, a couple of things:

  1. I am numb that this is our reality.
  2. My freshman son asked why in the world they have those drills, I explained they have to be prepared, because this type of thing has happened at schools.
  3. He asked why someone has to stay in the bathroom, why can’t they go back into the class?  I explained that if there was a ‘bad person’ on campus, they wouldn’t see the kids feet if they were standing on a toilet, and if they tried to open doors, they would all be locked.
  4. This is the normal for my kids.  My normal was a fire drill and an earthquake drill.
  5. am truly thankful that my kids are prepared for this atrocious possibility as best that they can be, and that they have the utmost caring and professional teachers I could ever ask for.
  6. I am numb that this is our reality.

My youngest went on to tell me that our friends that live on the East Coast ‘have a cool way they do their drill.  They get in their cubbies behind their backpacks so they are hidden.’  That boggled me, their stranger drill was ‘cool?’  And this has been a discussion among child friends?

Numb.

She then told me that she would not be able to handle it if she was the one in the bathroom and not in the classroom if there was the stranger drill.  I realized this was a moment I had to take ahold of and I firmly said ‘You would be able to handle it.  If it ever happens, and it WON’T, you will stand on the toilet, and keep perfectly still and quiet until you hear the signal that the drill is over.’

Numb.

Right before we got home, on the lighted freeway signs was an Amber Alert of an abduction that happened earlier today in Southern California.

Sometimes the reality of possibilities are too much to handle, I’m on overload right now.

It will pass, and smiles will be had later this evening I’m sure.  I wish I was still thinking about Pop Tarts and silly things to make me laugh.  But for this moment, I’m numb that this is our reality.